I have spend 6 months of my life with the most precious being. She can make my heart melt in a half a second and make me feel crazy in about the same time as well. I have had many sleepless nights with Kendall. I would like to not to have to plan for them but I know there will unfortunately be more. Even so, I am grateful that I have been given this gift to raise my beautiful baby.
After speaking with a close friend tonight. I cannot help but feel as if I was given a precious gift. I love that family like they were my own and they were given a gift but the unimaginable happened and their gift- their precious baby is a angel now. It has taken me many months to put how I feel into words. I may never speak of all my feelings about this.They never knew his smile, a simple coo, or even what his cry sounded like. I felt guilty then and I still do. At the time I was holding a three month old baby girl who was nursing great, she was above average in her growth and she was learning to hold her head up on her tummy while pushing up with her arms well ahead of her peers. I held her tighter after the day I read the horrible news on Facebook.
This family was like my own. I feel as if I lost someone that day too. But I also feel like I should be somewhat guilty. I was able to have a problem free pregnancy and a natural birth, I have been able to breastfeed for six months now with no problems. She is growing and she is healthy, however, they feel pain. It breaks my heart. Someone I love had to let their angel go. Instead of celebrating holidays with their new bundle as I am they have only pictures to remember him by.
Tonight, I don't know if I can lay Kendall down. She is my world. As I think about them I am taken back by them and their love. I would seclude myself from the world. I don't think I could breathe after such a loss. But they have found it in them to continue through life. There is not a day that passes that they think of him and what could have been.
As I drove home with Kendall snoring in her car seat I began to think about how lucky I am. How I don't remember what life was like without her. MY desires my goals my life has changed. I am forever grateful for her. She makes me a better person. I forget the evil in the world when she is around I forget everything. I don't know whats going on in my group of friends I used to keep up with. They are probably partying still and being 24-25 years old but I don't know because my desire to keep up with them to follow them and daydream about how it must be is gone. I have her now, I have no desire to follow that path again.There may be days I can't get ANYTHING done around the house, and possibly countless days she makes it difficult to even get a shower in or even eat. But I am grateful that she chose me as her mommy. With sleepless nights, and embarrassing trips to restaurants I am grateful I get to experience this with her. Reality doesn't set in until you lose what you have or could have had. I imagine the pain they experienced and are continuing to experience is unlike any pain anyone could understand without going through this.
There are many nights I still lay awake and listen to her breathe or place my hand on her to make sure she is breathing. It is probably my worst fear. When she was born I refused to sleep for almost 4 days. I was scared out of my wits that something would happen to her. That feeling will probably NEVER go away. And if it did what kind of mother would I be? But at least the family can rest easy knowing that their precious angel never felt pain or hate that this world is consumed by.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Pictures of Kendall at 3 months!
One of my faves! 
Kendall's grin! She is working those eyebrows!
Love her sweet wittle baby yawns! 
Kendall has been teething for the last 2 weeks.
Sassy sticking by Kendall while she is napping.Friday, February 3, 2012
Kendall's Birth Story
Finally, the long awaited birth story.
On Monday December 12th, I awoke to a different kind of contraction. They were unlike any I have had ever felt. During pregnancy I always heard "oh you will KNOW". It is so frustrating when you are pregnant hearing that over and over but it really is TRUE! I really knew I would have her soon. It was 7:40am and I didn't wake Josh. I did my normal routine and when Josh got in the shower I was sitting on the bathroom counter waiting on him when he opened the shower curtain I asked if he was going to be ready to drive to Statesville to Davis Regional to have our baby.
He looked at me funny because we had our weekly appointment the following day on the 13th down there he believed I was confused with the days. The excitement in his face when I told him about the contractions was indescribable he couldn't believe it. Just picture the movie Flubber. How the little blob of green bounces of the wall and with joy and laughter yeah that was Josh.
At that time my contractions were 10 minutes apart lasting about 60 seconds. It was very textbook. Josh fixed a large breakfast that morning. (I was very thankful of this later in the day because my appetite vanished by lunch.) Throughout the day, I took the time to relax. I read Spiritual Midwifery AGAIN, to give me encouragement and hope. And best of all, I took a loooooooonnnngg hot bath and relaxed, shaved my legs and then blow dried my hair out straight put makeup on. You would think I had a date to go to. LOL. Around lunch Josh reheated the Lasagna and fixed a salad. Salad was all I could stand. The Lasagna made me gag. But also by lunch time the intensity of the contractions has increased so I figured that was why I couldn't eat. I called Nicole our midwife and she said it sounded like labor but told us to just relax around the house. So, I sat around the living room napped when I could, and rolled around on the exercise ball. I called and text everyone who was on my list to call to tell them I thought Kendall was going to arrive soon.
Once they got stronger the times got closer 8 minutes apart and finally 5 minutes apart. Time was flying by! Josh didn't work that day he was too excited and was just waiting on the word "go" he was also getting things lined up for his business. At 5pm it took a turn, I was forced to focus more on the contractions. Although, it wasn't painful it was just a stronger intensity. I still wasn't feeling pain but I called Nicole again we decided to wait a little longer until I couldn't watch TV anymore and couldn't hold a conversation. At 6:30pm we started loading the car. And although I could still hold a conversation but we left our house at 7:30pm. Josh would squeeze my leg or my hand on the drive down there when he knew I was having a contraction. I turned on the heated seats and that helped a lot. I sang, and we laughed and talked about our hopes for the birth.
We arrived at Davis Regional at 8:30 and my parents pulled in as we were walking into the doors. I filled out all the paperwork and by 9pm we had met Amanda our nurse and she was taking us to our birthing suite. We were the ONLY couple birthing on the floor! I was ecstatic I knew I could be loud if I needed to be. LOL. I gave Amanda our birth plan. (Amanda actually went to SCC with one of my best friends from highschool-Small world!) Dr Roque came in to check on my dilation and welcome me! I was already 6cm and 100% effaced. Whhhooooo Hooooooo! Amanda hooked me up to the fetal monitor for 30 minutes to check on Kendall and did my vitals and such and I was set free to do as I wished!
Amanda was wonderful! She was always checking in on me and my family and my water was always full. :) We got a birth ball as soon as Nicole came in. I circled and rocked (Making lots of fart noises with the ball and the flooring. That was distracting.) My family had made the trip down to Statesville and they were in the room during this time. As I would come into a contraction I would hold up my hand to make everyone be quiet so I could focus on the contraction. But I did my birth ball rotation for about 2 hours before I said I wanted the Jacuzzi. Amanda filled the tub for me. I peed before I got in the tub and Josh announced to everyone I had gotten the bloody show! Yippee! We were so excited.
I got into the tub and Josh sat on the outside of the tub surround. It was such a small bathroom and it was so humid in there. LOL, we both had drops of sweat running from our heads. But it was wonderful. It made life easier. Contractions were almost non-existent in the Jacuzzi. It was relaxing along with the rumbling feeling from the jets and the sounds. Josh rubbed my legs and back and would pour water over my back too. I never felt so loved before! Nicole would come and check on us pretty often. We would refill water and tell her we were ok. When the contractions changed I asked her to check my cervix again she said 6cm. I got so discouraged. But, I believed in my body I knew it was doing the work it should be doing so I let the fear go. Josh started making me laugh and was holding my hand and smooching on me.
I began vomiting probably 30 minutes or so after Nicole checked me. At first, Josh was worried about me me and then I laughed. He was somewhat confused, I told him "Ina May Gaskin's book mentioned vomiting and it's a good thing it means I am progressing quickly. Ina May also says we should make light of it." So, we laughed over it. We laughed over the fact we could name out the breakfast and lunch I had eaten that day from my vomit. We had a lot of fun and he was so great!!! During this time, I did "investigate" myself I felt the bag of waters bulging and I got so excited. We stayed in the teeny tiny bathroom for 2.5 hours. When I felt Kendall's head drop I almost jumped out of the water. I told Josh something had happened. I think this is when my water broke. It felt like a softball hitting my cervix. I could no longer get comfortable. Josh insisted it was time to change positions. He suggested walking. As I stood outside the Jacuzzi I had a contraction. We swayed back and forth like we were slow dancing it was really romantic aside from the itty bitty bathroom. Without the water contractions sucked! But it was an amazing feeling to have my husband there doing his best to help take my discomfort away. I had a hard time getting to the bed for my cervix to be checked again. But I slowly made it.
It felt so good to have him working with me through each contraction. Dr Roque and Nicole waited for me --- 9cm--- WOW! We couldn't believe it. I got on all fours on the bed for a handful of contractions. Looking back I wish I hadn't. I wish I had tried my leg up in a lunge or something else. Dr Roque checked me again. just shy of 10cm with a anterior lip. I remember thinking of Vicki my childbirth educator telling us how badly these sucked and how painful they were. But Dr Roque helped me push over it and I had made it to 10cm. Transition was so tough! I was pretty lucky that my body was working with me. My contractions weren't close together I got almost 5 minutes in between contractions during transition and pushing phases. Nicole told me I should breathe through my nose and out my mouth. We laughed after I told her I couldn't because my nostrils were too small. Nicole had this amazing ability to look into my eyes and it was as if she was taking the pain away for a bit. She could calm me down when no one else could. She was amazing as well. I did ask for drugs but at first I really just wanted the assurance from everyone that I COULD do this. I knew I was too far into transition to get drugs but it helped pleading for them because everyone in the room would rally behind me telling me how well I was doing. At the end of transition, I yelled "Pickles". Pickles had been Josh and I's code word that I REALLY needed drugs. At the end of transition I had so much doubt. I doubted that I could continue any longer especially if the contractions were like this very long. Of course, Pickles made everyone laugh again. I got the support I needed to make it through transition un-medicated. It was after this they asked me to change positions.
When Roque told me to start pushing our baby girl out Josh was in my right ear even more than he had been before telling me how strong I was. He confessed his love for me. He smooched me all over, he gave me encouragement, he was so incredibly awesome. I was laying on my left side with my legs at my head. We would relax in between contractions and laugh. Roque finally noticed my nostrils and said I had the smallest nostrils she had ever seen. The entire room seemed more like a celebration or a party than a hospital birth. For that I am grateful. Needless to say, we had a blast, it was hilarious in between contractions. Pushing stage felt sooooooo Good! I can't say I felt pain at all during this phase. I thought to myself- I can see where the ladies from Orgasmic Birth come from now. I really felt awesome! There was NO PAIN!!! The pushing stage is tough because you really don't know how HARD you really CAN push until you push your baby out. Roque asked if I wanted to feel her head coming out. I reached down and felt such a small part of her head maybe a fifty cent piece size. I yelled she is never coming out. They made it seem like she was crowning. Everyone laughed at my comment. Finally a few pushes later when Roque said "okay, here is your ring of fire" I didn't believe her! I didn't have any "fire" going on. It truly was just like Ina May Gaskin says- "It's an interesting sensation that helps get the baby out." (
Josh was so excited with each push he encouraged me to push even harder than before to bring our daughter into this world. His face was just priceless during this process. When I finally KNEW I could do this I pulled my feet as hard as I could. They were by my head I thought I was going to become the human pretzel. It was sound strange but it was a painless incredible feeling. I was making faces that weren't very pretty and grunting but I don't feel like they were a response to pain. I feel it was a response to help me push harder. Roque and my mom and dad had become my cheerleaders yelling a screaming that I could do this. Nicole was able to ground me very quickly between my contractions.
I was so lucky to have such a supporting husband by my side the entire time. His support meant the most! When I pushed the hardest push I could with my feet by my head her head finally emerged. Everyone screamed she is crowning. Everyone had excitement in their voices and huge smiles on their faces. And with all the happiness and joy filling the room I quickly bared down again and out shot her little body. I raised my tank top and they placed her on my belly and between my breasts. Her eyes were open immediately. I rubbed her back to get her to breathe better. She made her presence known but she didn't wail or scream. But she did clear her lungs out. It was the most amazing feeling in the world to have her little body resting on top of my body rather than inside of it. There her little body resting, breathing, and living on my body between my breasts. Her eyes staring back at me. My mind was flooded with emotion.
It truly was the best night of my life. Kendall Reese made her way into the world at 2:12am on December 13th she weighed 6lbs 7.5oz and she was 19 inches long. She breastfed within her first hour of life and she nursed for about 30 minutes. Nicole helped me get her latched on correctly. She has 5 fingers on each hand and 5 toes on each foot. She is absolutely perfect. She hair is so long and is turning blonde already. We were able to leave the hospital Wednesday morning and she weighed 6lbs 3oz. but at her first doctors visit she weighed 6lbs 12oz. Fourteen days after her birth she weighed 8lbs even. She changes everyday. I find a new baby roll on her everyday. :) It is truly the best gift being a mother. She is growing so quickly I can only imagine how quickly she will change in the coming weeks. My life is perfect with my little family.
At that time my contractions were 10 minutes apart lasting about 60 seconds. It was very textbook. Josh fixed a large breakfast that morning. (I was very thankful of this later in the day because my appetite vanished by lunch.) Throughout the day, I took the time to relax. I read Spiritual Midwifery AGAIN, to give me encouragement and hope. And best of all, I took a loooooooonnnngg hot bath and relaxed, shaved my legs and then blow dried my hair out straight put makeup on. You would think I had a date to go to. LOL. Around lunch Josh reheated the Lasagna and fixed a salad. Salad was all I could stand. The Lasagna made me gag. But also by lunch time the intensity of the contractions has increased so I figured that was why I couldn't eat. I called Nicole our midwife and she said it sounded like labor but told us to just relax around the house. So, I sat around the living room napped when I could, and rolled around on the exercise ball. I called and text everyone who was on my list to call to tell them I thought Kendall was going to arrive soon.
Once they got stronger the times got closer 8 minutes apart and finally 5 minutes apart. Time was flying by! Josh didn't work that day he was too excited and was just waiting on the word "go" he was also getting things lined up for his business. At 5pm it took a turn, I was forced to focus more on the contractions. Although, it wasn't painful it was just a stronger intensity. I still wasn't feeling pain but I called Nicole again we decided to wait a little longer until I couldn't watch TV anymore and couldn't hold a conversation. At 6:30pm we started loading the car. And although I could still hold a conversation but we left our house at 7:30pm. Josh would squeeze my leg or my hand on the drive down there when he knew I was having a contraction. I turned on the heated seats and that helped a lot. I sang, and we laughed and talked about our hopes for the birth.
We arrived at Davis Regional at 8:30 and my parents pulled in as we were walking into the doors. I filled out all the paperwork and by 9pm we had met Amanda our nurse and she was taking us to our birthing suite. We were the ONLY couple birthing on the floor! I was ecstatic I knew I could be loud if I needed to be. LOL. I gave Amanda our birth plan. (Amanda actually went to SCC with one of my best friends from highschool-Small world!) Dr Roque came in to check on my dilation and welcome me! I was already 6cm and 100% effaced. Whhhooooo Hooooooo! Amanda hooked me up to the fetal monitor for 30 minutes to check on Kendall and did my vitals and such and I was set free to do as I wished!
Amanda was wonderful! She was always checking in on me and my family and my water was always full. :) We got a birth ball as soon as Nicole came in. I circled and rocked (Making lots of fart noises with the ball and the flooring. That was distracting.) My family had made the trip down to Statesville and they were in the room during this time. As I would come into a contraction I would hold up my hand to make everyone be quiet so I could focus on the contraction. But I did my birth ball rotation for about 2 hours before I said I wanted the Jacuzzi. Amanda filled the tub for me. I peed before I got in the tub and Josh announced to everyone I had gotten the bloody show! Yippee! We were so excited.
I got into the tub and Josh sat on the outside of the tub surround. It was such a small bathroom and it was so humid in there. LOL, we both had drops of sweat running from our heads. But it was wonderful. It made life easier. Contractions were almost non-existent in the Jacuzzi. It was relaxing along with the rumbling feeling from the jets and the sounds. Josh rubbed my legs and back and would pour water over my back too. I never felt so loved before! Nicole would come and check on us pretty often. We would refill water and tell her we were ok. When the contractions changed I asked her to check my cervix again she said 6cm. I got so discouraged. But, I believed in my body I knew it was doing the work it should be doing so I let the fear go. Josh started making me laugh and was holding my hand and smooching on me.
I began vomiting probably 30 minutes or so after Nicole checked me. At first, Josh was worried about me me and then I laughed. He was somewhat confused, I told him "Ina May Gaskin's book mentioned vomiting and it's a good thing it means I am progressing quickly. Ina May also says we should make light of it." So, we laughed over it. We laughed over the fact we could name out the breakfast and lunch I had eaten that day from my vomit. We had a lot of fun and he was so great!!! During this time, I did "investigate" myself I felt the bag of waters bulging and I got so excited. We stayed in the teeny tiny bathroom for 2.5 hours. When I felt Kendall's head drop I almost jumped out of the water. I told Josh something had happened. I think this is when my water broke. It felt like a softball hitting my cervix. I could no longer get comfortable. Josh insisted it was time to change positions. He suggested walking. As I stood outside the Jacuzzi I had a contraction. We swayed back and forth like we were slow dancing it was really romantic aside from the itty bitty bathroom. Without the water contractions sucked! But it was an amazing feeling to have my husband there doing his best to help take my discomfort away. I had a hard time getting to the bed for my cervix to be checked again. But I slowly made it.
It felt so good to have him working with me through each contraction. Dr Roque and Nicole waited for me --- 9cm--- WOW! We couldn't believe it. I got on all fours on the bed for a handful of contractions. Looking back I wish I hadn't. I wish I had tried my leg up in a lunge or something else. Dr Roque checked me again. just shy of 10cm with a anterior lip. I remember thinking of Vicki my childbirth educator telling us how badly these sucked and how painful they were. But Dr Roque helped me push over it and I had made it to 10cm. Transition was so tough! I was pretty lucky that my body was working with me. My contractions weren't close together I got almost 5 minutes in between contractions during transition and pushing phases. Nicole told me I should breathe through my nose and out my mouth. We laughed after I told her I couldn't because my nostrils were too small. Nicole had this amazing ability to look into my eyes and it was as if she was taking the pain away for a bit. She could calm me down when no one else could. She was amazing as well. I did ask for drugs but at first I really just wanted the assurance from everyone that I COULD do this. I knew I was too far into transition to get drugs but it helped pleading for them because everyone in the room would rally behind me telling me how well I was doing. At the end of transition, I yelled "Pickles". Pickles had been Josh and I's code word that I REALLY needed drugs. At the end of transition I had so much doubt. I doubted that I could continue any longer especially if the contractions were like this very long. Of course, Pickles made everyone laugh again. I got the support I needed to make it through transition un-medicated. It was after this they asked me to change positions.
When Roque told me to start pushing our baby girl out Josh was in my right ear even more than he had been before telling me how strong I was. He confessed his love for me. He smooched me all over, he gave me encouragement, he was so incredibly awesome. I was laying on my left side with my legs at my head. We would relax in between contractions and laugh. Roque finally noticed my nostrils and said I had the smallest nostrils she had ever seen. The entire room seemed more like a celebration or a party than a hospital birth. For that I am grateful. Needless to say, we had a blast, it was hilarious in between contractions. Pushing stage felt sooooooo Good! I can't say I felt pain at all during this phase. I thought to myself- I can see where the ladies from Orgasmic Birth come from now. I really felt awesome! There was NO PAIN!!! The pushing stage is tough because you really don't know how HARD you really CAN push until you push your baby out. Roque asked if I wanted to feel her head coming out. I reached down and felt such a small part of her head maybe a fifty cent piece size. I yelled she is never coming out. They made it seem like she was crowning. Everyone laughed at my comment. Finally a few pushes later when Roque said "okay, here is your ring of fire" I didn't believe her! I didn't have any "fire" going on. It truly was just like Ina May Gaskin says- "It's an interesting sensation that helps get the baby out." (
Josh was so excited with each push he encouraged me to push even harder than before to bring our daughter into this world. His face was just priceless during this process. When I finally KNEW I could do this I pulled my feet as hard as I could. They were by my head I thought I was going to become the human pretzel. It was sound strange but it was a painless incredible feeling. I was making faces that weren't very pretty and grunting but I don't feel like they were a response to pain. I feel it was a response to help me push harder. Roque and my mom and dad had become my cheerleaders yelling a screaming that I could do this. Nicole was able to ground me very quickly between my contractions.
I was so lucky to have such a supporting husband by my side the entire time. His support meant the most! When I pushed the hardest push I could with my feet by my head her head finally emerged. Everyone screamed she is crowning. Everyone had excitement in their voices and huge smiles on their faces. And with all the happiness and joy filling the room I quickly bared down again and out shot her little body. I raised my tank top and they placed her on my belly and between my breasts. Her eyes were open immediately. I rubbed her back to get her to breathe better. She made her presence known but she didn't wail or scream. But she did clear her lungs out. It was the most amazing feeling in the world to have her little body resting on top of my body rather than inside of it. There her little body resting, breathing, and living on my body between my breasts. Her eyes staring back at me. My mind was flooded with emotion.
It truly was the best night of my life. Kendall Reese made her way into the world at 2:12am on December 13th she weighed 6lbs 7.5oz and she was 19 inches long. She breastfed within her first hour of life and she nursed for about 30 minutes. Nicole helped me get her latched on correctly. She has 5 fingers on each hand and 5 toes on each foot. She is absolutely perfect. She hair is so long and is turning blonde already. We were able to leave the hospital Wednesday morning and she weighed 6lbs 3oz. but at her first doctors visit she weighed 6lbs 12oz. Fourteen days after her birth she weighed 8lbs even. She changes everyday. I find a new baby roll on her everyday. :) It is truly the best gift being a mother. She is growing so quickly I can only imagine how quickly she will change in the coming weeks. My life is perfect with my little family.
Friday, December 9, 2011
3 days from Due Date...
Apparently our baby girl is taking her sweet time just like her Daddy always does. We are 3 days from our due date. I figured she would be in our arms by now as many contractions I have had in the past weeks. But apparently that was just preparing my cervix for what's to come later.
At our 39 week appointment, our midwife told us I was 80% effaced and 2 cm dilated. Still my cervix is anterior and Kendall's head is still really low if not lower than last weeks. I measured 37 weeks on my belly- this has been the same since 37 weeks. She has dropped but contractions don't stay steady enough. I had some AWESOMELY strong contractions the day of our appointment they stayed consistent until we walked into the birth center. I thought for sure we would have a baby soon. NOPE.
She likes to pull my leg. Just like last night. I was standing in front of Josh and my eyes bulged--- "Did my water just start leaking?" My underwear was soaked! I had just peed so I knew it wasn't pee. Go to bathroom check it out peed again. Yeah, that is definitively not what it felt like. Call Midwife, put a pad on if you soak it in an hour call back. Well, Of course I didn't soak it. And I must say there is a REASON I haven't wore a pad in 10 years. Yuck! Anyways, maybe its a super slow leak? I don't know I guess it could have been cervical fluid. Again I got really excited. But no drive to Statesville. :(
Will it ever happen naturally? I am scared I will end up with the EXACT opposite of what I want. I don't want an induction but I can't be pregnant FOREVER! I am scared that an induction will lead to a Cesarean. Again, I do not want that. But she can't stay inside forever. We have tried everything under the book for natural induction. Reflexology, pineapple, sex, Primrose Oil for my cervix (which that worked), and I have walked. Last weekend we actually went to Farmington to see if we could coax her out with drag racing and rumbling. Yeah obviously that didn't work. haha. She only jumps or gets startled at the Junior dragsters when they pass by really closely. I was really surprised the other cars didn't startle her. Anyways, we have tried everything. Now we have given up. She will come when she comes. There isn't ANYTHING anyone can do to change it.
I was thinking some babies don't like to come into the world if mom doesn't feel ready. But now the glider is finished, her room is finished, we have preemie, newborn and size 1 sposies, and a large amount of cloth diapers, we have plenty of wipes, her Daddy and her Papa put both car seats in the the truck and car. Everything is packed for her and I and Josh. Everything is washed and ready for her. REALLY what is this kid waiting on???
Last week I cleaned pretty heavily on the house but now I have to muster up the energy to do it again. UGH! I see nap time in the future today.
Also, before I forget, Sassy and Ivan have been acting really strange. Sassy, will sit in front of me and whine and actually will STOP eating to follow me into the bathroom. She has to lay with me wherever I am. Today, Ivan has started with whining thing too. They both follow me very closely room to room. Kinda dread cleaning with them like this. I have heard dogs know when something is going on inside of us. Maybe they are aware this baby wants out soon? I can hope!!!
At our 39 week appointment, our midwife told us I was 80% effaced and 2 cm dilated. Still my cervix is anterior and Kendall's head is still really low if not lower than last weeks. I measured 37 weeks on my belly- this has been the same since 37 weeks. She has dropped but contractions don't stay steady enough. I had some AWESOMELY strong contractions the day of our appointment they stayed consistent until we walked into the birth center. I thought for sure we would have a baby soon. NOPE.
She likes to pull my leg. Just like last night. I was standing in front of Josh and my eyes bulged--- "Did my water just start leaking?" My underwear was soaked! I had just peed so I knew it wasn't pee. Go to bathroom check it out peed again. Yeah, that is definitively not what it felt like. Call Midwife, put a pad on if you soak it in an hour call back. Well, Of course I didn't soak it. And I must say there is a REASON I haven't wore a pad in 10 years. Yuck! Anyways, maybe its a super slow leak? I don't know I guess it could have been cervical fluid. Again I got really excited. But no drive to Statesville. :(
Will it ever happen naturally? I am scared I will end up with the EXACT opposite of what I want. I don't want an induction but I can't be pregnant FOREVER! I am scared that an induction will lead to a Cesarean. Again, I do not want that. But she can't stay inside forever. We have tried everything under the book for natural induction. Reflexology, pineapple, sex, Primrose Oil for my cervix (which that worked), and I have walked. Last weekend we actually went to Farmington to see if we could coax her out with drag racing and rumbling. Yeah obviously that didn't work. haha. She only jumps or gets startled at the Junior dragsters when they pass by really closely. I was really surprised the other cars didn't startle her. Anyways, we have tried everything. Now we have given up. She will come when she comes. There isn't ANYTHING anyone can do to change it.
I was thinking some babies don't like to come into the world if mom doesn't feel ready. But now the glider is finished, her room is finished, we have preemie, newborn and size 1 sposies, and a large amount of cloth diapers, we have plenty of wipes, her Daddy and her Papa put both car seats in the the truck and car. Everything is packed for her and I and Josh. Everything is washed and ready for her. REALLY what is this kid waiting on???
Last week I cleaned pretty heavily on the house but now I have to muster up the energy to do it again. UGH! I see nap time in the future today.
Also, before I forget, Sassy and Ivan have been acting really strange. Sassy, will sit in front of me and whine and actually will STOP eating to follow me into the bathroom. She has to lay with me wherever I am. Today, Ivan has started with whining thing too. They both follow me very closely room to room. Kinda dread cleaning with them like this. I have heard dogs know when something is going on inside of us. Maybe they are aware this baby wants out soon? I can hope!!!
Thursday, December 1, 2011
At 38 weeks...
For some reason I believed I was going to have Kendall by now... I thought she was going to make her grand appearance the weekend after Thanksgiving. I had PLENTY of strong contractions but it wasn't strong enough to carry over to active labor. :(
Then the contractions STOPPED and Kendall's movement SLOWED way down. I thought "Ohhhhhh, maybe this is the sign."
NOPE!!!
At my 37 weeks (the week of Thanksgiving) Nicole my midwife saw me. I had been debating on getting checked for effacement and dilation I ended up getting checked and I was 60% effaced and 1 finger but a loose finger or 1.5 cm dilated with a mushy cervix that is already anterior. All great signs. I left very positive and hopeful.
At my 38 week check up I saw Nicole again. And because of the contractions that kept me up all night I decided to get checked again and debated for awhile about her sweeping my membranes. I decided to have them swept anyways and she said I was STILL 60% effaced and 2 cm dilated but SUPER mushy and still anterior. Left feeling pretty shitty about my body. Feeling like it let me down. I thought I had made progress but NO> No progress made here. :( When you get your membranes swept if you aren't ready they won't help but if you ARE ready it usually starts in 24 hours. Needless to say it is now Thursday night and my membranes were swept on Monday. It didn't help. We have tried everything!!! Bumpy roads, Sex, talking to Kendall reassuring her life is pleasant in the real world etc. Nothing works.
I really wanted to have her 3 weeks before Christmas to keep from having difficult birthdays. Or family buying one gift for Christmas and not for her birthday plus Birthday sleepovers will be harder etc. But it seems it already is beginning. She has been forgotten already for Christmas by some. :( Josh and I aren't putting a tree up this year because with having a baby so CLOSE to Christmas it will be more of a hassle to get it all out and more than likely I won't have the time to put it all up until February because of the baby. We still have bought Kendall some Stocking stuffers and we have spent lots of money on new things we have already taken out of packages and gotten ready for her birth. But we haven't forgotten her. Santa will come see her and leave her a stocking here and at my mom and dads house. ;) My mom and dad has gotten her so many toys for her first year it isn't funny! The kid isn't going to know how to open gifts and some probably won't be wrapped but I can tell you she has already racked up at her first Christmas from Nana and Papa. :)
We are looking forward to her birth, but not the stress of it all. Deciding when people get called and who can be where and who we don't want near us and what if they show up. I have decided today that I don't care anymore. I want to have my baby in peace and quiet and have her naturally without pain medicine unless I really want it. I don't want to be pressured into feeling bad because someone wants in the room to see the birth or to be close to us while we are laboring. I have made my mind up and Josh and I have a birth plan in place like I spoken about before. The midwife will stick with it and I have a feeling someone will get mad at me. And I don't give a flip about it. I am done stressing about it. I think for me to STOP worrying about this part of the birth will help with Kendall being born sooner. So I am letting go of it now. Expect me to speak my mind from now on. No keeping it back. Call me the evil pregnant bitch or evil birthing bitch I just want her birth to be stress free and especially after her birth while we are at home to be stress free. It probably ISN'T going to happen but we shall see.
This is going to be such a memorable Christmas and new year I cannot wait to meet this precious life growing inside of me!
Then the contractions STOPPED and Kendall's movement SLOWED way down. I thought "Ohhhhhh, maybe this is the sign."
NOPE!!!
At my 37 weeks (the week of Thanksgiving) Nicole my midwife saw me. I had been debating on getting checked for effacement and dilation I ended up getting checked and I was 60% effaced and 1 finger but a loose finger or 1.5 cm dilated with a mushy cervix that is already anterior. All great signs. I left very positive and hopeful.
At my 38 week check up I saw Nicole again. And because of the contractions that kept me up all night I decided to get checked again and debated for awhile about her sweeping my membranes. I decided to have them swept anyways and she said I was STILL 60% effaced and 2 cm dilated but SUPER mushy and still anterior. Left feeling pretty shitty about my body. Feeling like it let me down. I thought I had made progress but NO> No progress made here. :( When you get your membranes swept if you aren't ready they won't help but if you ARE ready it usually starts in 24 hours. Needless to say it is now Thursday night and my membranes were swept on Monday. It didn't help. We have tried everything!!! Bumpy roads, Sex, talking to Kendall reassuring her life is pleasant in the real world etc. Nothing works.
I really wanted to have her 3 weeks before Christmas to keep from having difficult birthdays. Or family buying one gift for Christmas and not for her birthday plus Birthday sleepovers will be harder etc. But it seems it already is beginning. She has been forgotten already for Christmas by some. :( Josh and I aren't putting a tree up this year because with having a baby so CLOSE to Christmas it will be more of a hassle to get it all out and more than likely I won't have the time to put it all up until February because of the baby. We still have bought Kendall some Stocking stuffers and we have spent lots of money on new things we have already taken out of packages and gotten ready for her birth. But we haven't forgotten her. Santa will come see her and leave her a stocking here and at my mom and dads house. ;) My mom and dad has gotten her so many toys for her first year it isn't funny! The kid isn't going to know how to open gifts and some probably won't be wrapped but I can tell you she has already racked up at her first Christmas from Nana and Papa. :)
We are looking forward to her birth, but not the stress of it all. Deciding when people get called and who can be where and who we don't want near us and what if they show up. I have decided today that I don't care anymore. I want to have my baby in peace and quiet and have her naturally without pain medicine unless I really want it. I don't want to be pressured into feeling bad because someone wants in the room to see the birth or to be close to us while we are laboring. I have made my mind up and Josh and I have a birth plan in place like I spoken about before. The midwife will stick with it and I have a feeling someone will get mad at me. And I don't give a flip about it. I am done stressing about it. I think for me to STOP worrying about this part of the birth will help with Kendall being born sooner. So I am letting go of it now. Expect me to speak my mind from now on. No keeping it back. Call me the evil pregnant bitch or evil birthing bitch I just want her birth to be stress free and especially after her birth while we are at home to be stress free. It probably ISN'T going to happen but we shall see.
This is going to be such a memorable Christmas and new year I cannot wait to meet this precious life growing inside of me!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
35 Weeks...
Oh yeah it has been forever since I have written a blog entry. But a lot has happened and I have been so BUSY BUSY BUSY!!!! Between work and getting the house ready for Kendall and cleaning for the Baby shower... Not to mention Childbirth classes or changing doctors/midwives.
Overall, life has been great. All the stress lately has been getting to me though. I have been well to put it nicely a bitch. But looking at all that I have dealt with I guess it is understandable.
Her room is finished minus a few things to hang on the wall and some organizing. The closet is packed full and we have just a few things left to buy. I had a WONDERFUL time at BOTH of my showers and got so many things and we are so thankful to have family and friends that love us and love Kendall already! :)
We absolutely adore this new office we are going to. Everyone shares our views and understands us. We are driving to Mooresville to see Dr Roque and CNM- Nicole and Marcia. The midwives will most likely be the ones who deliver Kendall and that is simply awesome! I get just what I wanted and so does my family. I get the midwife- Birth Center style birth and they get the security of having the Doctor right behind them with knowledge of OR in worst case scenario. It is so nice to go into this place and laugh and joke and not really feel like you are in a doctors office. I love each and every one of the nurses and staff at this new place and I have only been going since right after 28 weeks. We go again at 37 weeks and then we start going once a week.
My feet have begun to swell and pit on a regular basis now. The midwife wants my feet up after 2 hours of standing or working. They are not worried about it since protein is not showing up in my urine and my blood pressure has remained normal. It has gotten so much harder to do massages now as well. It isn't hard because of the belly I have learned to work around that now but it is hard to actually do them. A hot Stone Massage KILLS me now. It is so dang on hot in there even with a fan, I sweat my butt off. But I not only get hot during a Hot Stone massage anymore either its almost every massage I am sweating bullets. I think it is great exercise for me though. I have to relax through 50 minutes and of course bend my knees and continually think of my body mechanics. I am working through it and hopefully I can continue to work until her arrival.
I am having a hard time letting myself accept that people want to help. I want to do all these things by myself. I figure if I can't do them NOW while I am pregnant how can I adjust to doing them while having a baby? I figure that is a logical statement and logical reasoning. But I know how my brain works. If someone does something for me I get out of the habit of doing it myself and it that much harder for me to adjust back to doing it. Josh understands he will have help more around the house until I get my breastfeeding down pat and get back to a normal routine. He also understands he will have to handle the heat since we heat with wood. He hasn't yet let me lift a finger to bring wood in or start a fire or keep a fire going. I understand it will be difficult to adjust in the first days we are home and I am not insisting on No One coming over to help. I will be grateful for any help and I will just have to get over my OCD about where my dishes go, where my food goes, and how my clothes are folded etc.
Since we are birthing so far away I know everyone is going to want to meet Our Precious baby Kendall. Coming to meet her at the hospital may not be feasible for most people. We are welcoming anyone wanting to meet her to come after we announce we are home. But please understand the house could be a wreck and I do plan on exclusively breastfeeding so if it makes you uncomfortable you might want to wait until she isn't feeding so often and don't expect ME to go to a different room because it disgusts you. Please come with a positive attitude! I don't want to hear negative stories about breastfeeding or how your baby didn't sleep for days etc. Kendall will be her own little person and we will deal with it as it comes.
We had the BEST childbirth educator I could ask for-Vicki Moses. She was extraordinary! Josh and I feel so prepared (as we can be) and we feel ready for her arrival. She taught Josh and I many different techniques to help me and him during labor and the birth process. I really think if we didn't have her we would have totally freaked out when I began having contractions or my water broke. Now we both feel like we can handle it all pretty calmly and collectively.
So now that we are 35 weeks along we are patiently awaiting 37 weeks to 40 weeks and looking forward to meeting our precious daughter.(It seems to be flying along too!) I can't wait to hold her and love her. Midwife says the head is REALLY low and she can't move her head any more. I am so anxious to compare her face and body with Josh and I's to see who she resembles most. I am anxious for our dogs to meet her too! I just can't wait!
Overall, life has been great. All the stress lately has been getting to me though. I have been well to put it nicely a bitch. But looking at all that I have dealt with I guess it is understandable.
Her room is finished minus a few things to hang on the wall and some organizing. The closet is packed full and we have just a few things left to buy. I had a WONDERFUL time at BOTH of my showers and got so many things and we are so thankful to have family and friends that love us and love Kendall already! :)
We absolutely adore this new office we are going to. Everyone shares our views and understands us. We are driving to Mooresville to see Dr Roque and CNM- Nicole and Marcia. The midwives will most likely be the ones who deliver Kendall and that is simply awesome! I get just what I wanted and so does my family. I get the midwife- Birth Center style birth and they get the security of having the Doctor right behind them with knowledge of OR in worst case scenario. It is so nice to go into this place and laugh and joke and not really feel like you are in a doctors office. I love each and every one of the nurses and staff at this new place and I have only been going since right after 28 weeks. We go again at 37 weeks and then we start going once a week.
My feet have begun to swell and pit on a regular basis now. The midwife wants my feet up after 2 hours of standing or working. They are not worried about it since protein is not showing up in my urine and my blood pressure has remained normal. It has gotten so much harder to do massages now as well. It isn't hard because of the belly I have learned to work around that now but it is hard to actually do them. A hot Stone Massage KILLS me now. It is so dang on hot in there even with a fan, I sweat my butt off. But I not only get hot during a Hot Stone massage anymore either its almost every massage I am sweating bullets. I think it is great exercise for me though. I have to relax through 50 minutes and of course bend my knees and continually think of my body mechanics. I am working through it and hopefully I can continue to work until her arrival.
I am having a hard time letting myself accept that people want to help. I want to do all these things by myself. I figure if I can't do them NOW while I am pregnant how can I adjust to doing them while having a baby? I figure that is a logical statement and logical reasoning. But I know how my brain works. If someone does something for me I get out of the habit of doing it myself and it that much harder for me to adjust back to doing it. Josh understands he will have help more around the house until I get my breastfeeding down pat and get back to a normal routine. He also understands he will have to handle the heat since we heat with wood. He hasn't yet let me lift a finger to bring wood in or start a fire or keep a fire going. I understand it will be difficult to adjust in the first days we are home and I am not insisting on No One coming over to help. I will be grateful for any help and I will just have to get over my OCD about where my dishes go, where my food goes, and how my clothes are folded etc.
Since we are birthing so far away I know everyone is going to want to meet Our Precious baby Kendall. Coming to meet her at the hospital may not be feasible for most people. We are welcoming anyone wanting to meet her to come after we announce we are home. But please understand the house could be a wreck and I do plan on exclusively breastfeeding so if it makes you uncomfortable you might want to wait until she isn't feeding so often and don't expect ME to go to a different room because it disgusts you. Please come with a positive attitude! I don't want to hear negative stories about breastfeeding or how your baby didn't sleep for days etc. Kendall will be her own little person and we will deal with it as it comes.
We had the BEST childbirth educator I could ask for-Vicki Moses. She was extraordinary! Josh and I feel so prepared (as we can be) and we feel ready for her arrival. She taught Josh and I many different techniques to help me and him during labor and the birth process. I really think if we didn't have her we would have totally freaked out when I began having contractions or my water broke. Now we both feel like we can handle it all pretty calmly and collectively.
So now that we are 35 weeks along we are patiently awaiting 37 weeks to 40 weeks and looking forward to meeting our precious daughter.(It seems to be flying along too!) I can't wait to hold her and love her. Midwife says the head is REALLY low and she can't move her head any more. I am so anxious to compare her face and body with Josh and I's to see who she resembles most. I am anxious for our dogs to meet her too! I just can't wait!
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Difference a year makes.
Ok, some of you out there know that I have questioned myself for becoming a massage therapist. I got pretty down on myself last year at this time because I wasn't making any money. I couldn't afford to keep my car, or the insurance, and I have taken loan after loan from my parents. I hate taking ANY loans but I feel horrible for taking it from my parents. Anyway, Josh and I were having hard times last year at this time trying to make ends meet. We dropped all unnecessary bills like our Droids and that gave us the freedom to drop $100 off our Verizon bill! We cut the Dish Network off, and really started watching our power and water use. Let me tell you that really helped but nothing like finding the perfect place to work. Josh and I argued over how I SHOULD have finished nursing school. I had actually made up my mind about going back to school. I studied hard for the TEAS test but failed it miserably we had a ton of drama going on that week and the night before the big test I had to feed not only Josh and I but an additional family. I am glad I was able to help them out however my test results proved it wasn't beneficial for the TEAS. I got so bummed out and depressed with myself. I felt worthless. I couldn't support my family and neither could Josh... we both were Aggravated but we made it through it and Josh's business picked up. (thank God) And in late March I had issues at Choice and quit. Which Josh wanted me to anyways. It made life difficult and then SURPRISE after a little tinkle on a stick with 2 pink lines we have more to think about... I don't have a job!!! And we are pregnant.
Job application after job application, driving around checking on them they all say apply online and wait. UGH! I hate hearing that. However, In June, I finally saw an ad for a massage therapist position, Josh and I both agreed it was worth a shot. The day after my birthday I did my practical massage on Julia and she said I was hired! What a relief. I drove to Greensboro every week slowly starting just on Fridays then adding Thursdays and Saturdays. I received a gas check for coming down there and my commission check. Although, the drive sucked at least I was making money.
Fast forward, September 16th Hand and Stone Massage and Facial Spa opened its doors in Winston. My location! I was so excited but understood it could be slow but I had three massages in the first day and that Saturday I had 5.5 hours of massage WITH requests! Oh how happy I was. Now the first check is coming up and I have actually been really busy at this location. I will have a great paycheck; one that makes ANY other place I have worked (even for myself) look bad. I am stoked. When you add in the tips it gets even better. Finally, we are on a road to which the grass is greener on the other side. We will make it. And this baby will have what it needs. I am over the moon with excitement and giddyness. A job, a job that I wanted, one that I have skills at doing one I went to school for and EARNED! I truly couldn't be happier. I am going to attempt to work as long as I can until Kendall makes her appearance or I have to go on bed rest. I hope my dreams will continue coming true. Soon I will have a precious baby girl named Kendall by my side and I will have the added joy of raising her but another part of me wants more on the business side as well.
I am hoping to be thought of for lead therapist in Winston. I know having the baby at this time could make it more difficult in my selection however, I feel I am up for it. I know I have done managerial work before and it would be even better to do it massage therapist style especially for this company! I am working my tail off trying to prove myself worthy. Work is steady and it is unbelievable how positive and upbeat I am about coming to work. I can only imagine more steady dependable income from here. This establishment KNOWS how to run a business. They understand this is how we make our living and they work hard at helping us achieve our dreams. All they ask is for is that you keep it drama free and follow Hand and Stone protocol. They take care of ALL The advertising and so far they have done a FABULOUS job!!! My life has done a complete turn around from how it was last year and I am loving it.
With a baby on the way and new job with great opportunities ahead of me, I would have to be crazy not to be excited and giddy about what lies ahead for next year!
Job application after job application, driving around checking on them they all say apply online and wait. UGH! I hate hearing that. However, In June, I finally saw an ad for a massage therapist position, Josh and I both agreed it was worth a shot. The day after my birthday I did my practical massage on Julia and she said I was hired! What a relief. I drove to Greensboro every week slowly starting just on Fridays then adding Thursdays and Saturdays. I received a gas check for coming down there and my commission check. Although, the drive sucked at least I was making money.
Fast forward, September 16th Hand and Stone Massage and Facial Spa opened its doors in Winston. My location! I was so excited but understood it could be slow but I had three massages in the first day and that Saturday I had 5.5 hours of massage WITH requests! Oh how happy I was. Now the first check is coming up and I have actually been really busy at this location. I will have a great paycheck; one that makes ANY other place I have worked (even for myself) look bad. I am stoked. When you add in the tips it gets even better. Finally, we are on a road to which the grass is greener on the other side. We will make it. And this baby will have what it needs. I am over the moon with excitement and giddyness. A job, a job that I wanted, one that I have skills at doing one I went to school for and EARNED! I truly couldn't be happier. I am going to attempt to work as long as I can until Kendall makes her appearance or I have to go on bed rest. I hope my dreams will continue coming true. Soon I will have a precious baby girl named Kendall by my side and I will have the added joy of raising her but another part of me wants more on the business side as well.
I am hoping to be thought of for lead therapist in Winston. I know having the baby at this time could make it more difficult in my selection however, I feel I am up for it. I know I have done managerial work before and it would be even better to do it massage therapist style especially for this company! I am working my tail off trying to prove myself worthy. Work is steady and it is unbelievable how positive and upbeat I am about coming to work. I can only imagine more steady dependable income from here. This establishment KNOWS how to run a business. They understand this is how we make our living and they work hard at helping us achieve our dreams. All they ask is for is that you keep it drama free and follow Hand and Stone protocol. They take care of ALL The advertising and so far they have done a FABULOUS job!!! My life has done a complete turn around from how it was last year and I am loving it.
With a baby on the way and new job with great opportunities ahead of me, I would have to be crazy not to be excited and giddy about what lies ahead for next year!
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