I have spend 6 months of my life with the most precious being. She can make my heart melt in a half a second and make me feel crazy in about the same time as well. I have had many sleepless nights with Kendall. I would like to not to have to plan for them but I know there will unfortunately be more. Even so, I am grateful that I have been given this gift to raise my beautiful baby.
After speaking with a close friend tonight. I cannot help but feel as if I was given a precious gift. I love that family like they were my own and they were given a gift but the unimaginable happened and their gift- their precious baby is a angel now. It has taken me many months to put how I feel into words. I may never speak of all my feelings about this.They never knew his smile, a simple coo, or even what his cry sounded like. I felt guilty then and I still do. At the time I was holding a three month old baby girl who was nursing great, she was above average in her growth and she was learning to hold her head up on her tummy while pushing up with her arms well ahead of her peers. I held her tighter after the day I read the horrible news on Facebook.
This family was like my own. I feel as if I lost someone that day too. But I also feel like I should be somewhat guilty. I was able to have a problem free pregnancy and a natural birth, I have been able to breastfeed for six months now with no problems. She is growing and she is healthy, however, they feel pain. It breaks my heart. Someone I love had to let their angel go. Instead of celebrating holidays with their new bundle as I am they have only pictures to remember him by.
Tonight, I don't know if I can lay Kendall down. She is my world. As I think about them I am taken back by them and their love. I would seclude myself from the world. I don't think I could breathe after such a loss. But they have found it in them to continue through life. There is not a day that passes that they think of him and what could have been.
As I drove home with Kendall snoring in her car seat I began to think about how lucky I am. How I don't remember what life was like without her. MY desires my goals my life has changed. I am forever grateful for her. She makes me a better person. I forget the evil in the world when she is around I forget everything. I don't know whats going on in my group of friends I used to keep up with. They are probably partying still and being 24-25 years old but I don't know because my desire to keep up with them to follow them and daydream about how it must be is gone. I have her now, I have no desire to follow that path again.There may be days I can't get ANYTHING done around the house, and possibly countless days she makes it difficult to even get a shower in or even eat. But I am grateful that she chose me as her mommy. With sleepless nights, and embarrassing trips to restaurants I am grateful I get to experience this with her. Reality doesn't set in until you lose what you have or could have had. I imagine the pain they experienced and are continuing to experience is unlike any pain anyone could understand without going through this.
There are many nights I still lay awake and listen to her breathe or place my hand on her to make sure she is breathing. It is probably my worst fear. When she was born I refused to sleep for almost 4 days. I was scared out of my wits that something would happen to her. That feeling will probably NEVER go away. And if it did what kind of mother would I be? But at least the family can rest easy knowing that their precious angel never felt pain or hate that this world is consumed by.
